Tips for arguing respectfully and productively

Tips for civil disagreement

It’s unfortunate that it takes a tragedy to get so many people in the United States talking about the kind of language we use in policy and strategy arguments. Here are some tips that can help professionals engage in arguments that are more likely to be both civil and productive.


• Focus on the topic, not the person. Personal attacks rarely get the other person to change their views or behaviors. More often, they get met with other personal attacks or angry silence – neither of which helps.

• Know that the argument may be about more than the thing being argued. In a community that has been abused or ignored by previous developers, a community’s opposition to a proposed land use might be more about anger with developers than with the proposal. If an argument is generating more emotion than would seem reasonable, there’s probably more there that you need to explore.

• Do not assume you know the person’s motivation. When someone makes a personal attack, it is sometimes because that person thinks he or she knows what lies behind the other person’s objections.

• Seek to understand before seeking to be understood. Make sure you’re hearing the other person correctly. (One way is to put the person’s comments in your own language and saying something like “did I get that right?”) If you’re getting it right, but the other person isn’t, ask the person if you could clarify your remarks. (Don’t say anything like “Did you understand what I just said.” That can sound patronizing.)

• Understand the other person's logic and the reasons for their emotions. Too many professionals think that others reject their ideas because they don't understand them.  In other words, if the professional could "teach" opponents about a strategy, the opponents would agree with the planner.  The problem is sometimes the professional's education -- he or she hasn't learned enough about their audience's perspectives and mindsets.  Most reasonable people make rational decisions according to their own views of the world.

• Use a zipper strategy – find the areas of agreement and build up from there. In most communities and organizations, people want many of the same things. Talking about what they agree on can help opponents think of themselves more as collaborators than enemies, and build creative solutions that neither group thought of before.

• Acknowledge your areas of newfound agreement. You can do this formally in contracts, or informally through reminders in future conversations.

• Be confident, courageous and creative. There are times when avoiding an argument might be a good short-term strategy. But avoidance over time usually leads to frustration, and eventually more problems. Have the courage to both present your views and be willing to consider those of the other person. Be creative enough to collaborate with your opponent and see solutions that neither of you initially imagined.

• Give, and request to get, respect for your opponent's views. If you refuse to acknowledge another's views, you can not get to a point where you can understand the person.  (Hearing enough just to beat down an argument doesn't count.)  It's also important that you speak from a position of strength by asking others to understand your views.


All of the above assume that the participants are willing to listen to one another and are, for the most part, honest. Sometimes this isn’t the case. In those circumstances – and you should test your understandings to know if you’re in those circumstances – you might need to take more aggressive (but not violent) approaches. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we celebrate Monday, knew there were times when a loud demonstration worked better than a quiet conversation.

--Leonardo Vazquez, AICP/PP

Catalytic leaders need to be seen to be heard

Leaders don't need to stand on soapboxes, ride white horses, or be at the front of the line to be effective.  Good leaders use the quiet conversation and strategic questions as much, or even more than, the "big speech."  But one thing all leaders need is to be present.  Or more specifically, to be visible to their audiences.  Technology makes it easier for even the busiest people to be more visible leaders.

Leaders succeed when they convince others about the value of a goal and persuade them to act on those beliefs. The most successful leaders inspire and motivate audiences to commit their time and resources to a mission.  But you have to practice what you preach.  If you're not seen as being committed and willing to put in the same time and energy that you ask of others, you will lose credibility quickly.

You may have big ideas, but they have to hear them from you.  You may be working hard on a project, but they have to see you working hard.  If you're seen as invisible or out of touch, audiences lose their motivation quickly.

Audiences also get distracted easily.  A lot of things call for the attention of our audiences.  The busier your audiences are, the less space they have on their internal radar screens.  The leader who pops up a few times a year to give a motivational speech probably shouldn't even bother.

For most of his career, Edward Blakely has been one of the busiest urban planners in the United States. He is one of the leading thinkers on local economic development, an active land developer, and has been an advisor to presidents of the United States and big city mayors.  Yet, when he was Dean of a graduate school at The New School, he made time to attend the staff birthday and going away parties. His being at these events was a symbolic gesture to demonstrate that Ed cared about the staff.  In universities, where staff are often seen as second-class citizens, this is important.

Being more visible is especially important when you're building or revitalizing a community around a mission.  According to the Tuckman Theory of Group Development, people in the beginning look to a strong central leader for direction and guidance.  This is the time when the leader needs to be most visible.  If it means holding monthly meetings where the leader is sitting with one or two people, so be it.  Over time, people are more likely to see the visibility as a sign of commitment and consistency, and will be more likely to be involved  (if the mission is right for them.)

What are the best ways to become more visible?

• Sometimes you need to hold more meetings.  We're told that "everybody hates meetings."  But what most people hate are the meetings that are seen as time-wasters.  A meeting to present what someone can read in a report is a time-waster.  A "team building" exercise for a group that is working well together is a time waster.  The more people can get what they want out of a meeting, the more they will enjoy it.  What do people want?  Depending on the person or the circumstance, it could be getting solutions to problems, the chance to be heard, knowledge on something that will affect their jobs or lives, or opportunities to build connections with other busy people.  If you're trying to motivate staff, have meetings where more time is spent on brainstorming than reporting.  If you're trying to motivate volunteers, have guest speakers or discussion topics in the same meetings where you talk about projects.
• Also hold events.  Even in the most casual places, meetings often have formalities and protocols that can make some people uncomfortable.  One way to get audiences to connect with one another -- a key to building social action -- is to hold events that are fun and relaxed.  Turn one of the weekly breakfast meetings into an afternoon coffee hour.  
• Connect to your audiences through email at least once a month. Free group software and commercial email marketing providers (PDI uses Constant Contact) make it easier for you to stay connected with your audiences.  You don't need to be inspiring every time.  You can write about something in the news, and how it connects to your mission.  You can give kudos to someone who has gone above and beyond.  As long as what you write connects to the mission and values of your group, feel free to be creative.
• Try social networking. Blogs and social networking sites like Facebook and LinkedIn aren't just for narcissists and pundits.  They are a great way for people who are separated by time and distance to connect to one another.  When it is impractical for community members to be together in person often, social networking sites can help to hold a community together.

--Leonardo  Vazquez, AICP/PP

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